The Awesomist

TheAwesomist.com Is Up

2005-10-27T15:44:00.000-04:00

That's right. It's up and running thanks to Dave "Tilta" Worley. Go check it out.

The Awesomist.com

The Site Is UP!!!

2005-10-27T13:38:00.000-04:00

Ok, it's still a work in progress, but the site is up and running. I transferred all the posts from this blog over and they are now well organized on

TheAwesomist.com

go there and check out the new digs.

The Awesomist Forum Is Up

2005-10-14T15:31:00.000-04:00

The TheAwesomist.com is slow going at the moment but I was able to put up a message board last night. This is really something that I've wanted attached to the blog for a long time so I'm very excited. Please feel free to register and post as much as possible, because I really want to get that thing up and running. See you on the board!

Wil Wheaton Just Got Bumped Up

2005-10-07T09:32:00.000-04:00

From time to time I like to check out WIL WHEATON DOT NET, the blog written and maintained by Wil Wheaton (Stand By Me, Star Trek TNG). Now I always kinda liked Wil as an actor, so when I found out that he had a blog I had to check it out. I found it through a google search and thought it was pretty cool. While still an actor, Wil’s also managed to add writer and author to his resume. It seems that in blogging he’s found his voice. Good for him; I like hearing that because it’s sort of like what happed to me (except of course for the whole making it a career thing).

Anyway, today I hit the site because I hadn’t been there in a while and I was wondering how things were going. I found a recent post and was a bit floored by what I was reading. It seems that Wil is a big Mike Doughty fan. I myself am a huge Doughty/Soul Coughing fan and have been for more than ten years now. I would even go so far as to call Soul Coughing my favorite band and Doughty my favorite songwriter.

Now, since I already thought WW was cool, so finding out that he too is a Doughty fan has definitely bumped him up several notches in my book. Even though he doesn't seem to need it (being that WWdN is one of the biggest blogs on the net), I’ve decided to put up a link to his blog and encourage you all to check it out. Enjoy.

***Note - Due to some technical problems WWdN is sort of down so to check out his latest blog posts hit his temporary home here.

It’s Good To Have Goals…

2005-10-07T03:08:00.000-04:00

That’s why I’d like to see what penguin tastes like.

2005-10-06T18:47:00.000-04:00

That's right, TheAwesomist.blogspot.com will be no more. I'm now the proud owner of TheAwesomist.com. I figure it'll be up sometime next week, so check out the blogspot version while you can.

I Had To Get This Off My Chest

2005-10-04T23:44:00.000-04:00

I came across this website and noticed the entry for September 2, 2005. It’s a literary site run by a pseudo-intellectual Republican and he had some interesting words regarding hurricane Katrina and its aftermath. I read this and nearly fell off my chair. A response is surely called for – so here it is:

Some people really don’t get a single thing. Some people don’t want to. Some people don’t care to know, they trust others to make up their minds for them while they live in their own little fantasy world of right and wrong… a world where they are never wrong. The editor of the website Prose Toad is all of the above.

I really love liberal bashing because it really shows how much some denial people live in. It’s like, when the going gets tough, bash the liberals and all wrongs are righted. When your guy drops the ball, just fall back on bashing liberals; what the hell, it sure beats taking responsibility, right?

The editor of PT seems to think that the states hit by Katrina don’t really matter much. It seems that these areas and the people in them, some of which are the poorest in the country, were already ruined by Liberal handouts. Why bother helping them; they can’t help themselves, right?

It’s funny to hear those that speak of patriotism; those rush to call anyone who disagrees with THEM a traitor; basically dismiss the destruction of part of our great nation. It’s like they say, “I love America, but not Americans that I hate.”

My favorite part of this moron’s rant is when he refers to New Orleans as. “a dung
hole of a sex resort in the middle of a lake.” The funny thing about this assessment by the ‘high horse’ crowd is that the French Quarter was one of the only parts of New Orleans that made it through Katrina with minimal damage.

Don’t worry asshole, the dung hole of a sex resort’s just fine.

As for the federal government and their “magic wand,” I’d have to say that he had a point, if we didn’t have a Federal Emergency Management Agency. Can you imagine that there’s actually an Agency that Manages Federal Emergencies? I suppose it all depends on how you define words like “Federal,” and “Emergency.” A major natural disaster in three states might qualify, but I guess the jury is still out on that one, huh? Besides, even if it was an emergency, toad-boy brings up a great point; how would the National Guard be able to help? Sure, they’ve got giant hovercrafts designed to carry about a dozen tanks, but… ok, never mind then. I guess this guy should have realized that the US military, the most sophisticated in the world, probably has a few boats at their disposal. High technology, I know, but I imagine that they could borrow some from the Navy.

The last thing that kills me about this guy’s take on Iraq. I know that this is sort of a sticking point for a lot of people, so I’ll keep it brief. He refers to Saddam Hussein as a Jew killing America hating madman who was on top of the world’s oil supply. Well, the middle east is full of Jew killing America hating madmen, and most of the leaders of the middle eastern countries would fall into that category. One Jew killing America hating madman in particular, Osama Bin Laden, a.k.a. – public enemy number one, is still alive and well somewhere out there. Now this guy seems to think that Iraq was more of a priority then catching public enemy number one, and he calls anyone that disagrees a ‘traitor.’ Assuming that this guy knows that a traitor is defined as one who provides aid and comfort to the enemy, I would have to pose the question; Is dropping the ball on the search for public enemy number one, Osama Bin Laden, providing him aid and comfort to some extent? I’m not saying it is, but to call anyone a traitor because of their stance on a debatable issue is just plain immature, besides being inaccurate, and the tables could be easily turned on someone who decides to sink to that level.

The last election showed that the country was divided 49% to 51%; that’s a lot of people to call traitors isn’t it?

In closing I’d have to say that I’m just sick of these fake people. If you rap yourself in the flag and then go on to leave your fellow countrymen out to dry, you’re a phony. You don’t love this country and you have no sense of patriotism what-so-ever. Loving your country isn’t about loving red or blue real estate nor is it about loving only those that follow your ideology. It’s about loving your fellow countrymen, the ideals that the country was founded on, its history and it’s potential. People can agree or disagree with the direction our leadership is taking us without being un-American, and to say otherwise is in and of itself un-American. Silencing dissent and dismissing it as treason is in fact fascism and I certainly hope that I never live to see the day that that happens in this great nation.

Open Letter To Kansas School Board

2005-09-27T08:48:00.000-04:00

Here's a letter that I found on a site and I thought I'd share it with you. I love my new Blog This feature.

Here's the Letter:

I am writing you with much concern after having read of your hearing to decide whether the alternative theory of Intelligent Design should be taught along with the theory of Evolution. I think we can all agree that it is important for students to hear multiple viewpoints so they can choose for themselves the theory that makes the most sense to them. I am concerned, however, that students will only hear one theory of Intelligent Design.

Let us remember that there are multiple theories of Intelligent Design. I and many others around the world are of the strong belief that the universe was created by a Flying Spaghetti Monster. It was He who created all that we see and all that we feel. We feel strongly that the overwhelming scientific evidence pointing towards evolutionary processes is nothing but a coincidence, put in place by Him.

It is for this reason that I’m writing you today, to formally request that this alternative theory be taught in your schools, along with the other two theories. In fact, I will go so far as to say, if you do not agree to do this, we will be forced to proceed with legal action. I’m sure you see where we are coming from. If the Intelligent Design theory is not based on faith, but instead another scientific theory, as is claimed, then you must also allow our theory to be taught, as it is also based on science, not on faith.

Some find that hard to believe, so it may be helpful to tell you a little more about our beliefs. We have evidence that a Flying Spaghetti Monster created the universe. None of us, of course, were around to see it, but we have written accounts of it. We have several lengthy volumes explaining all details of His power. Also, you may be surprised to hear that there are over 10 million of us, and growing. We tend to be very secretive, as many people claim our beliefs are not substantiated by observable evidence. What these people don’t understand is that He built the world to make us think the earth is older than it really is. For example, a scientist may perform a carbon-dating process on an artifact. He finds that approximately 75% of the Carbon-14 has decayed by electron emission to Nitrogen-14, and infers that this artifact is approximately 10,000 years old, as the half-life of Carbon-14 appears to be 5,730 years. But what our scientist does not realize is that every time he makes a measurement, the Flying Spaghetti Monster is there changing the results with His Noodly Appendage. We have numerous texts that describe in detail how this can be possible and the reasons why He does this. He is of course invisible and can pass through normal matter with ease.

I’m sure you now realize how important it is that your students are taught this alternate theory. It is absolutely imperative that they realize that observable evidence is at the discretion of a Flying Spaghetti Monster. Furthermore, it is disrespectful to teach our beliefs without wearing His chosen outfit, which of course is full pirate regalia. I cannot stress the importance of this enough, and unfortunately cannot describe in detail why this must be done as I fear this letter is already becoming too long. The concise explanation is that He becomes angry if we don’t.

You may be interested to know that global warming, earthquakes, hurricanes, and other natural disasters are a direct effect of the shrinking numbers of Pirates since the 1800s. For your interest, I have included a graph of the approximate number of pirates versus the average global temperature over the last 200 years. As you can see, there is a statistically significant inverse relationship between pirates and global temperature.

In conclusion, thank you for taking the time to hear our views and beliefs. I hope I was able to convey the importance of teaching this theory to your students. We will of course be able to train the teachers in this alternate theory. I am eagerly awaiting your response, and hope dearly that no legal action will need to be taken. I think we can all look forward to the time when these three theories are given equal time in our science classrooms across the country, and eventually the world; One third time for Intelligent Design, one third time for Flying Spaghetti Monsterism, and one third time for logical conjecture based on overwhelming observable evidence.

Sincerely Yours,

Bobby Henderson, concerned citizen.

P.S. I have included an artistic drawing of Him creating a mountain, trees, and a midget. Remember, we are all His creatures.

Check out the site for more info and the picture of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

Why Can't I Own a Canadian? an open letter from some guy named Jim

2005-09-25T00:26:00.000-04:00

I came upon this letter and I just had to share it with y'all. I know it's old, but it's just too funny.

October 2002

Dr. Laura Schlessinger is a radio personality who dispenses advice to people who call in to her radio show. Recently, she said that, as an observant Orthodox Jew, homosexuality is an abomination according to Leviticus 18:22 and cannot be condoned under any circumstance. The following is an open letter to Dr. Laura penned by a east coast resident, which was posted on the Internet. It's funny, as well as informative:

Dear Dr. Laura:

Thank you for doing so much to educate people regarding God's Law. I have learned a great deal from your show, and try to share that knowledge with as many people as I can. When someone tries to defend the homosexual lifestyle, for example, I simply remind them that Leviticus 18:22 clearly states it to be an abomination. End of debate. I do need some advice from you, however, regarding some of the other specific laws and how to follow them:

When I burn a bull on the altar as a sacrifice, I know it creates a pleasing odor for the Lord - Lev.1:9. The problem is my neighbors. They claim the odor is not pleasing to them. Should I smite them?

I would like to sell my daughter into slavery, as sanctioned in Exodus 21:7. In this day and age, what do you think would be a fair price for her?

I know that I am allowed no contact with a woman while she is in her period of menstrual uncleanliness - Lev.15:19- 24. The problem is, how do I tell? I have tried asking, but most women take offense.

Lev. 25:44 states that I may indeed possess slaves, both male and female, provided they are purchased from neighboring nations. A friend of mine claims that this applies to Mexicans, but not Canadians. Can you clarify? Why can't I own Canadians?

I have a neighbor who insists on working on the Sabbath. Exodus 35:2 clearly states he should be put to death. Am I morally obligated to kill him myself?

A friend of mine feels that even though eating shellfish is an abomination - Lev. 11:10, it is a lesser abomination than homosexuality. I don't agree. Can you settle this?

Lev. 21:20 states that I may not approach the altar of God if I have a defect in my sight. I have to admit that I wear reading glasses. Does my vision have to be 20/20, or is there some wiggle room here?

Most of my male friends get their hair trimmed, including the hair around their temples, even though this is expressly forbidden by Lev. 19:27. How should they die?

I know from Lev. 11:6-8 that touching the skin of a dead pig makes me unclean, but may I still play football if I wear gloves?

My uncle has a farm. He violates Lev. 19:19 by planting two different crops in the same field, as does his wife by wearing garments made of two different kinds of thread (cotton/polyester blend). He also tends to curse and blaspheme a lot. Is it really necessary that we go to all the trouble of getting the whole town together to stone them? - Lev.24:10-16. Couldn't we just burn them to death at a private family affair like we do with people who sleep with their in-laws? (Lev. 20:14)

I know you have studied these things extensively, so I am confident you can help. Thank you again for reminding us that God's word is eternal and unchanging.

Your devoted fan,
Jim

A Post About Nothing Celebrating My 1000th Hit

2005-08-25T05:59:00.000-04:00

Hey all, I have nothing interesting to say… or at least right now. I noticed that the blog’s reached it’s thousandth hit, and I’m a little proud. I mean, this has been my baby for just over a year now, and I’m amazed at the fact that people I don’t know have come here and read my various rants and raves, even if it’s only a few. If you’re one of the few that have come, and come back, thanks. If you’re new to this blog, welcome and I hope I don’t offend you too much.

One thing that I’ve noticed is that some of the most read posts have been ones that people have reached through search engines. Most likely they weren’t looking for this blog, but they ended up here. What kills me is that this little ol’ blog was so high up on search lists for things like Christo (Christo is an Idiot) and Words Men Use ( Words Women Use + Words Men Use). I’ll bet the folks at Google share the same feelings about my buddy Christo; I can’t explain why my rant, written in disgust while central park was covered in these obnoxious neon orange gate/flag/ arch things, would get as high a ranking as it did at the time. I smell a conspiracy.

Like weed, this blog has also been a gateway drug for my new habit. I’ve branched off into starting other blogs (many of which have gone nearly a year without being updated) and another special project that will remain top secret (as I have bigger plans in mind for it). Truth be told, I was just fiending for a creative outlet and I found it in blogging. Writing is always something I’ve done, but what good is writing if there’s no one to read it, right? My other creative endeavors have been put on hold for a while and, as any creative type will tell you, that not being able to do your thing is frustrating.

Hitting 1000 is also a big accomplishment because this isn’t my first site; my first site was not nearly as read as this one. Back about five years a

I’d Like To Learn Advanced Stick Fighting…

2005-08-23T00:10:00.000-04:00

but I can’t fight a good set of advanced sticks.

Let’s just think about that.

I'm Done With... (part 1)

2005-08-22T08:28:00.000-04:00

OK, so being a bit of a pop culture nerd, I’m into checking out what’s on the tube and what’s on the radio. I’ve kept up with what people seem to be into, and what the buzz seems to be about. Lately, I’ve noticed some disturbing trends and I feel compelled to comment on them.

So, to start it off, I’m done with shows featuring reality TV “stars” from other reality TV shows. Not that I’m down with reality TV – I’m not, for the most part (sadly, I still watch the Real World and American Choppers, but don’t ask me why) – but this new trend is… well, it’s a bit irritating. You gain notoriety by being yourself in front of a camera, and then parley it into a career. I mean, good for you if you can turn a buck being famous for simply standing in front of a camera with no discernable talent, but when is enough enough?

Reality TV Wheel Of Fortune? Reality TV Celebrity Poker Showdown? Battle of the Reality TV Stars?

I’ve had it with The Miz, Omarosa, Trishelle (unless of course she’s naked), any Bachelor/ Bachelorette person (I can’t tell them apart), Johnny Fairplay, that midget chick from whatever show that midget chick is from, Richard Hatch and all the rest. I can’t watch these people play games for a chance at some sort of payout while simultaneously cementing their “celebrity” status further.

Now should these people develop and display some form of talent I would welcome them to my television screen. Hell, I’ll even let the folks who lost on American Idol stick around; at least they can sing (although, we all know that the likes of a Kurt Cobain or Janis Joplin wouldn’t have lasted ten minutes on that show - it’s not a real display of talent).

I don't know who it was, but someone once said that if you put a cantaloupe on TV and then brought it out in public and told people that "this is the cantaloupe that was on TV," people would show up just to see it and say “Wow, that's THE cantaloupe." That's reality TV stars in a nutshell, and I'm done with them.

Another trend in pop culture that I’m done with is Coldplay. Now I know some people who read this will disagree, but come on; they’re just not that brilliant. I consider them a mediocre band at best. They sound like a second rate U2 and no one calls them out on that. I can’t figure out why these guys are touted as being one of the best bands on earth – can someone explain it to me?

Besides, that guy named his kid “Apple.” Are you serious? He can’t be that brilliant. I’m done with Coldplay.

The last bit of pop culture that I’ve written off is less of something that I want to erase and more of something that I want… no need to encourage against – Emo haircuts. People, these haircuts are a bad, bad idea. Being the right age to remember the eighties, I know that there were some awful haircuts back then. Over the last ten or fifteen years, people with the worst of these bad haircuts have taken to destroying any and all photographic evidence of their having these haircuts. This is the Emo haircut.

In a few years, you and your friends will look back at pictures of yourselves and find that you looked silly. You will be embarrassed at the mere thought that your hair was the equivalent of the mullet, teased up metal hair or the oft laughed at Flock Of Seagulls thing.

I really could care less if you have one of these ridiculous hair styles, but I seriously think you should reconsider it, stat. Hipsterism is not worth the future shame you WILL encounter in about two to three years. If you must wear your hair this way, you should definitely consider pulling a Keyser Soze and avoiding all cameras while you do. Trust me; you’ll appreciate the lack of photographic evidence – and whatever you do, GET YOU’RE PICTURE OFF MYSPACE AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. You’ll thank me one day.

Re: FW: Words Women Use + Words Men Use

2005-08-05T14:28:00.000-04:00

I recently got an e-mail forward from my girlfriend entitled "Words Women Use," and it's a play on the language that women use and the meaning of that language. I read this and felt compelled to respond with the male version of the same list; so here, for your reading pleasure are both lists:

> > Subject: Words Women Use> > > >

Fine =
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

Five Minutes =
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

Nothing =
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine."

Go Ahead =
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!

Loud Sigh =
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing."

That's Okay =
This is one of the most dangerous statements that a woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

Thanks =
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you, do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.

> > Subject: Words Men Use> > > >

Fine = Fine

Five Minutes = Five Minutes

Nothing = Nothing

Go Ahead = Go Ahead

Loud Sigh = Loud Sigh

That's Okay = That's Okay

Thanks = Thanks

I'm Sorry =
Jesus Christ, I can't believe you're> making a big deal about that. Seriously, how much would it cost to get you to drop it. Only a person with questionable sanity would make such a big deal over something so stupid and if there's one thing I've learned in my many long years on this earth, it's to try to avoid conflicts with people this mentally unstable. I better defuse the situation immediately.

It Happened Again

2005-05-25T22:35:00.000-04:00

Well folks it looks like Star Wars Episode III has broken damn near every box office record for a movie opening, and proving once again that you can take the spiritual pulse of a nation by our movie viewing habits. That’s right, just like we saw with The Passion, people are turning to Jedism. As Bill O’Reilly would say, we are in a culture war between the spiritual Jedi and the secular left…

…or people just like Wookies.

O’Reilly’s a dick.

I'm Not Dead!!!

2005-04-12T11:25:00.000-04:00

Hey Kids,
Thought I'd drop in and let you all know that I'm still alive. I've been a bit busy lately and haven't really had the luxury of finishing any substantial hack for this mutha. It’s the busy season at my job and I’ve been working late to meet the demand. I’m also looking at a career change for after I’m done being busy… which is also keeping me busy. Weird.

I’m thinking about giving freelance writing a go. I’ve made a few bucks at it in the past and I enjoyed it, so I figured “What the hell.” What the hell indeed. Now I just have to get some samples so I can get some clients.

…I’m working on that too.

Anyway, I just wanted to let y’all know that the captain’s still kickin’ it. I’ll post some stuff soon. Later.

-The Awesomist

Bill O’Reilly and the Culture War

2005-01-22T02:27:00.000-05:00

Over the past several weeks Bill O’Reilly has been talking endlessly about the culture war in this country. As always, Bill’s been looking out for us and I’m glad he is. I have to say that I completely agree with him – We need to get back to our traditional values.

I long to return to the simpler times, when the only women in the workplace were voiceless secretaries; they didn’t do things like produce television news shows. Yeah, those were the days. I miss being able smack a broad’s ass at work and then calling them up looking for phone sex. In those days, you didn’t have to worry about any of these uptight femi-nazi’s, that you have today, running to lawyer to file a lawsuit for a little innocent conversation about how big my member is and what I want to do with it.

I gotta say that things are completely out of hand. It’s just ludicrous.

Here’s a talking points memo for ya: back then big important news personalities like Bill O’Reilly didn’t have to pay three million dollars in “shut up” money to these bitches either. No sir, they just shut up and took it… ah, tradition.

And speaking of tradition, remember when a famous person’s sexual fetishes were their own business? Remember when the media treated people, who were accused of breaking a law, as being innocent until being proven guilty? Well, conveniently, Bill and I sure do. Of course, the left wing media sure does have a lot of fun taking shots at high profile people who get caught up in sexual scandals. You’d think a little inappropriate sexual behavior in the workplace was an impeachable offense or something… as if.

Yes, there is a culture war going on out there, people. Bill O’Reilly knows it, and he’s out there fighting the good fight for all of us. Keep up the good work, Bill.

None More Metal

2005-01-22T02:12:00.000-05:00

This is one of the funniest pictures ever. I thought it'd be fun to have a little caption contest. There's no prize or anything - it's just a chance to have a few laughs.

Here's what I could come up with:

"Hail Rove!"

"War Pigs! Dude, I love this song!"

"Black Fucking Metal!"

"Ah, they bought the whole born-again thing. Ha, ha, ha. Suckers "

Vanity Fair Editor Lets Fox Have It

2005-01-21T09:06:00.000-05:00

Judy Bachrach, the editor of Vanity Fair was on Fox News Channel discussing the inauguration. Apparently the crew at Fox thought it’d be a little light commentary to pad their coverage. They definitely weren’t expecting Bachrach to unload like she did. Priceless!

Thanks to OliverWillis.com for the clip.

Christo Is An Idiot!

2005-01-04T14:14:00.000-05:00

One hundred fifty thousand people dead in a tsunami in Southeast Asia and famed artist Christo will be placing a ridiculous "art" installation along the twenty three miles of walking trails in New York's Central Park - a project that is estimated to cost, strap in, TWENTY ONE MILLION DOLLARS!!!

Now this guy's made some silly "artistic" statements in the past; wrapping buildings in fabric and putting up other large scale nonsensical displays, but I think it's all just for publicity. I have to say, it's a brilliant move and his other pieces do sell for a great deal of money, but I think that it's really a shame that in a time like this, when so many people are suffering on the other side of the world, he feels comfortable spending 6% of what our government is sending for tsunami relief efforts ($350 million).

In yet another plea to NYC I must demand that the city and other municipalities STOP GRANTING THIS CRACKPOT PERMITS! By his own admission these stupid stunts mean nothing and I say that if they have no meaning they are not art and therefore should not be allowed to go up. If he had some idea, some point to this I would be all for it. I fully support art and freedom of speech (even speech I disagree with), but I can't get behind this because it's a waste of the highest magnitude.

I know that no one who can stop Christo is reading this, but I thought I'd put it out there to point out that while others suffer around the world, we have no problem letting people waste resources on silly publicity stunts... then we wonder why the people of the world hate us. At least David Blaine gets publicity wasting minimal resources - usually without eating for a few days. I can respect that.

Linguist Deciphers Uses of Word 'Dude'

2005-01-04T09:06:00.000-05:00

I found this article and thought it was pretty interesting. I myself am an over user of the word 'dude', so I figured I'd post it and include some of my input.

Linguist Deciphers Uses of Word 'Dude'
By MIKE CRISSEY, Associated Press Writer
PITTSBURGH Dude, you've got to read this.

cheesy start.

A linguist from the University of Pittsburgh has published a scholarly paper deconstructing and deciphering the word "dude," contending it is much more than a catchall for lazy, inarticulate surfers, skaters, slackers and teenagers.

An admitted dude-user during his college years, Scott Kiesling said the four-letter word has many uses: in greetings ("What's up, dude?"); as an exclamation ("Whoa, Dude!"); commiseration ("Dude, I'm so sorry."); to one-up someone ("That's so lame, dude."); as well as agreement, surprise and disgust ("Dude.").

Sounds about right, dude.

Kiesling says in the fall edition of American Speech that the word derives
its power from something he calls cool solidarity an effortless kinship that's
not too intimate.

Cool solidarity is especially important to young men who are under social
pressure to be close with other young men, but not enough to be suspected as
gay.

In other words: Close, dude, but not that close.

Alright, you lost me, but we'll keep going... dude.

"It's like man or buddy, there is often this male-male addressed term that
says, 'I'm your friend but not much more than your friend,'" said Kiesling,
whose research focuses on language and masculinity.

...or it's a vocal crutch, dude.

To decode the word's meaning, Kiesling listened to conversations with
fraternity members he taped in 1993. He also had undergraduate students in
sociolinguistics classes in 2001 and 2002 write down the first 20 times they
heard "dude" and who said it during a three-day period.

Oh no wonder he's making the gay connection. I get it now. I'm just surprised he monitored frat guys and he picked 'dude' to make his macho defense mechanism case rather than the endless dropping of the F-bomb.

He found the word taps into nonconformity and a new American image of
leisurely success.
Anecdotally, men were the predominant users of the word, but women sometimes call each other dudes.
Less frequently, men will call women dudes and vice versa. But that comes with some rules, according to self-reporting from students in a 2002 language and gender class included in the paper.
"Men report that they use dude with women with whom they are close friends, but not with women with whom they are intimate," according to the study.
His students also reported that they were least likely to use the word with parents, bosses and professors.
Historically, dude originally meant "old rags" a "dudesman" was a scarecrow. In the late 1800s, a "dude" was akin to a "dandy," a meticulously dressed man, especially out West. It became "cool" in the 1930s and 1940s, according to Kiesling. Dude began its rise in the teenage lexicon with the 1981 movie "Fast Times at Ridgemont High."
"Dude" also shows no signs of disappearing as more and more of our culture becomes youth-centered, said Mary Bucholtz, an associate professor of linguistics at the University of California, Santa Barbara.
"I have seen middle-aged men using 'dude' with each other," she said.

I have to say that while I found this article interesting I don't see how they reached their conclusions. I can actually tell you my history of the word 'dude' and why I use it all the damn time.

You see, back in the day my friends and I used to hang out with this guy. He would begin and end every sentence with thw word 'dude'. Now people have been saying 'dude' for years and I was no exception, but something caught on with this dude's overuse of the word 'dude'. His voice was a little high (less Mike Tyson and more excited Italian) and he would often say things like "Dude, wha-da-ya doin?" and "What the hell, dude?" and I guess it just stuck. To this day we all still stick "dude" in wherever we can. Ah, the culture.

Irony, Right in Front of My Face

2004-12-03T09:55:00.000-05:00

I was reading this article this morning and it brings up something that, while I've known about it for years I never thought of it this way before. The article itself is just an overview of various books that are out, but this one book that is mentioned caught my eye. It's all about the (literal) cult of Mac users and what they're all about. Having worked in film/video production for years, and being that all the good post production programs are on Mac, I can attest to the existence of this subculture. Here's the write up:

Ironically, it takes great control to create chaotic visuals la Ralph Steadman or Maira Kalman, and Handwritten points out that the popularity of the Macintosh as a design tool almost killed off the tradition of hand-lettering. Tell that to the army of Apple fetishists brought to life by Wired columnist Leander Kahney in his amusing tome The Cult of Mac (No Starch, $39.95). Kahney crawls into every crevice where Mac addicts lurk, providing us with tales (and images) of tattoos, evangelism, hoarding, and Deadhead-style conventions. (It's fascinating the way people convince themselves that this corporate entityas innovative and comparatively consumer-friendly as it may beis some kind of counter-cultural bastion rather than just a more enticing form of consumerism.) Kahney trots out theories to explain (and perhaps justify) this cultish behavior, ultimately leaving us with the question: Are Mac addicts loyal to a brand, or is it more about allegiance to some big Apple community?

It never really occurred to me, but I remember that the Mac devotees were so gunk ho because they hated Microsoft, Windows and Bill Gates, and they saw/see the Mac OS and hardware as some sort of rebel alternative or something. Their allegiance to the Mac is funny because they while they perceive it to be some sort of underground movement of a lesser known yet superior computer, they fail to see that it really is exactly the same. This is something that I just realized while reading this article.

If you're familiar with the history of Apple and Microsoft, then you would know that both were very cutthroat in their business practices. They both overprice their products and they both have pros and cons... also, last time I checked, Bill Gates owned a pretty big chunk of Apple. Basically, both are huge corporations. Both act in the manner that you are accustomed to seeing big corporations act. Why this hipster-like snobbish condescension towards one or other? What's the other alternative, Linux? I wonder who owns that... oh yeah, right - a big corporation.

Now I may be to the left of center (more towards the center), but I can't hate corporations as a whole. Some are corrupt as hell, other aren't corrupt at all. It's just like everything else in life. Some good, some bad and some in the middle. As far as computers go, I almost feel like it's silly to cry about big corrupt corporate this or that. Find me a computer or software company that isn't huge. Find me one that truly does what they do because they love to do it and not for profit.

In closing, I will be starting a computer cult deprogramming (no pun intended) organization that will snatch up people obsessed with an operating system, at the behest of their concerned loved ones, and deprogram them a la Drop Squad.

On second thought, I'm too lazy. I'll just go buy an iPod.

Team Terrible?

2004-12-01T13:19:00.000-05:00

OK, so yesterday I tried Team Awesome in Korean. That had to be loosely translated, but it was close enough. So I put "Team Awesome" In Russian and Greek through AltaVista's translation service and here is what I got.

Russian:
Команда Awesome = Awesome Command (Command Awesome - literal)

Greek:
ομάδα τρομερή = Team Terrible

Can you believe that? The Russian translation was find, but "Team Terrible"? I'm going to have to ask my Greek friend about this.

최고 팀

2004-11-30T14:05:00.000-05:00

최고 팀 = Team Awesome in Korean (sort of, as far as I can tell there isn't really a word for "awesome" in Korean so it can be replaced with top or highest- if I'm wrong I'll try to change this.)

Isn't it awesome that I can post Korean characters (Hangul).

A Funny Craig's List Posting That's Been Making The Rounds

2004-11-12T10:26:00.000-05:00

If you haven't gotten this yet then you aren't in a solid liberal internet network, because I've gotten it from five different people (and it gets funnier every time I read it). None-the-less, here it is. Enjoy -

Straight male seeks Bush supporter for fair, physical fight - m4m

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Reply to: anon-47785163@craigslist.org
Date: Wed Nov 03 19:11:50 2004

I would like to fight a Bush supporter to vent my anger. If you are one, have a fiery streek, please contact me so we can meet and physically fight. I would like to beat the shit out of you.

it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests

CONFESSIONS OF A CULTURAL ELITIST by Ted Rall

2004-11-10T09:37:00.000-05:00

Win or Lose, Kerry Voters Are Smarter Than Bush Voters

NEW YORK--Democratic hand wringing is surrealy out of hand. No one is criticizing the morally incongruous Kerry for running against a war he voted for while insisting that he would have voted for it again. Party leaders have yet to consider that NAFTA, signed into law under Clinton, may have cost them high-unemployment Ohio. No, Indiana Senator Evan Bayh, darling of the "centrist" Democratic Leadership Council, blames something else: the perception "in the heartland" that Democrats are a "bicoastal cultural elite that is condescending at best and contemptuous at worst to the values that Americans hold in their daily lives."

Firstly, living in the sticks doesn't make you more American. Rural, urban or suburban--they're irrelevant. San Francisco's predominantly gay Castro district is every bit as red, white and blue as the Texas panhandle. But if militant Christianist Republicans from inland backwaters believe that secular liberal Democrats from the big coastal cities look upon them with disdain, there's a reason. We do, and all the more so after this election.

I spent my childhood in fly-over country, in a decidedly Republican town in southwest Ohio. It was a decent place to grow up, with well-funded public schools and only the occasional marauding serial killer to worry about. The only ethnic restaurant sold something called "Mandarin Chinese," Midwestese for cold noodles slathered with sugary sauce. The county had three major employers: the Air Force, Mead Paper, and National Cash Register--and NCR was constantly laying people off. Folks were nice, but depressingly closed-minded. "Well," they'd grimace when confronted with a new musical genre or fashion trend, "that's different." My suburb was racially insular, culturally bland and intellectually unstimulating. Its people were knee-jerk conformists. Faced with the prospect of spending my life underemployed, bored and soused, I did what anyone with a bit of ambition would do. I went to college in a big city and stayed there.

Mine is a common story. Every day in America, hundreds of our most talented young men and women flee the suburbs and rural communities for big cities, especially those on the West and East Coasts. Their youthful vigor fuels these metropolises--the cultural capitals of the blue states. These oases of liberal thinking--New York, Los Angeles, San Francisco, Seattle, Portland, Boston--are homes to our best-educated people, most vibrant popular culture and most innovative and productive businesses. There are exceptions--some smart people move from cities to the countryside--but the best and brightest gravitate to places where liberalism rules.

Maps showing Kerry's blue states appended to the "United States of Canada" separated from Bush's red "Jesusland" are circulating by email.

Though there is a religious component to the election results, the biggest red-blue divide is intellectual. "How can 59,054,087 people be so DUMB?" asked the headline of the Daily Mirror in Great Britain, and the underlying assumption is undeniable. By any objective standard, you had to be spectacularly stupid to support Bush.

72 percent who cast votes for George W. Bush, according to a University of Maryland's Program on International Policy Attitudes (PIPA) and Knowledge Networks poll, believe that Iraq had weapons of mass destruction or active WMD programs. 75 percent think that a Saddam-Al Qaeda link has been proven, and 20 percent say Saddam ordered 9/11. Of course, none of this was true. (link provided by your pal, The Awesomist)

Kerry voters were less than half as idiotic: 26 percent of Democrats bought into Bush-Cheney's WMD lies, and 30 percent into Saddam-Al Qaeda.

Would Bush's supporters have voted for him even if they had known he was a serial liar? Perhaps their hatred of homosexuals and slutty abortion vixens would have prompted them to make the same choice--an idiotic perversion of priorities. As things stand, they cast their ballots relying on assumptions that were demonstrably false.

Educational achievement doesn't necessarily equal intelligence. After all, Bush holds a Harvard MBA. Still, it bears noting that Democrats are better educated than Republicans. You are 25 percent more likely to hold a college degree if you live in the Democratic northeast than in the red state south. Blue state voters are 25 percent more likely, therefore, to understand the historical and cultural ramifications of Bush's brand of bull-in-a-china-shop foreign policy.

Inland Americans face a bigger challenge than coastal "cultural elitists" when it comes to finding high-quality news coverage. The best newspapers, which routinely win prizes for their in-depth local and national reporting and staffers overseas, line the coasts. So do the cable TV networks with the broadest offerings and most independent radio stations. Bush Country makes do with Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity syndicated on one cookie-cutter AM outlet after another. Citizens of the blue states read lackluster dailies stuffed with generic stories cut and pasted from wire services. Given their dismal access to high-quality media, it's a minor miracle that 40 percent of Mississippians turned out for Kerry.

So our guy lost the election. Why shouldn't those of us on the coasts feel superior? We eat better, travel more, dress better, watch cooler movies, earn better salaries, meet more interesting people, listen to better music and know more about what's going on in the world. If you voted for Bush, we accept that we have to share the country with you. We're adjusting to the possibility that there may be more of you than there are of us. But don't demand our respect. You lost it on November 2.

Why Eat I Meat (Nature Told Me To)

2004-10-13T16:41:00.000-04:00

I know many of you are strict vegetarians for various reasons. Some because it’s cruel to eat animals; others because eating something that walks (or swims or whatever), has parents, and takes part in many other independently-moving/living type activities is gross. These are fair points, but I have definitive proof that you’re wrong.

Let’s take a look at the wild kingdom…

Have you ever noticed where a bunny’s eyes are located? How about a dear? If you haven’t noticed their eyes are on the sides of their cute little furry heads. Bunnies and dear prance around the forest all day long, having happy bunny and dear fun (this is not a reference to Bambi and Thumper), eating bunny and dear foods – which many of you may know consist of various forms of plant life that they come upon. They are herbivores, and like many herbivores they are the prey for various other animals in the wild and having eyes which are on the sides of their heads allows them to view more of their surroundings and see these predators coming, which leads me to…

Have you ever noticed where a lion’s eyes are located? What about a snake, bear or mountain lion? That’s right. They are located right in front of their heads. These are the hunters. They need to zero in on their prey and pounce. That’s were the eyes in front make all the difference. Nature starts to make sense.

I don’t know about you, but my eyes are in the front of my head. The lenses on glasses are right next to each other. Everyone I know has eyes that sit right next to each other in the front of their heads. Is nature trying to tell us something? I think so.

I’m a proud carnivore. I eat meat. Meat is good. Do I sound like a caveman, because I feel like one? Nature baby, nature. Moving on…

Now I know, “…but humans are omnivores! We can survive without meat. Meat is murder! Morrissey Rules!”

Some of these things may be true (everything except the Morrissey thing), but I think that you can make pretty strong cases for the opposite. For instance; If we can survive without meat, how come I’ve never seen a buff vegan? Why does techno pop sensation Moby bruise so easily? Why the hell is bacon the best tasting food ever!?!?!?!!!

The answer is that we are supposed to eat meat. Sure we can survive without it, but besides the fact that eating salads all damned day is lame, we can eat a lot of things it doesn’t mean we should only eat those things.

We can eat sugar, does that mean I should become a “high-fructose corn syrup-ivore”?

Another thing saying , “I get my protein from soy and nuts”, just sounds silly.

Now I won’t argue that meat is murder thing. You have to kill an animal to eat it. I don’t lose any sleep over this. Animals attack and eat humans all the time. I don’t speak shark or bear, but I’m sure they don’t care. We have a thing called the food chain and our opposable thumbs and developed brains keep us at the top. We rule.

Oh yeah, and I’ve seen fat vegans while people get skinny on Atkins – you make the call.

I say meat is for people with our eyes in the front, our bruise free bodies and our carnivore teeth (did I forget to mention that we have the teeth of carnivores too. My bad – yeah, we have them too). Thanks nature!

NYC Nightlife

2004-09-27T14:29:00.000-04:00

I have a new slogan to help NYC with their struggling commerce situation. The slogan goes something like this.

Come enjoy all that New York City has to offer. From the bars and restaurants that you can’t smoke in, to the tens of thousands of places that you can’t park in for no good reason, we doing our best to anger as many people as possible. Come to midtown, see a show. Come downtown and smoke outside one of our trendy bars and clubs. When you’re done livin’ it up you can visit our lovely impound center, where for a reasonable $200 dollars you can pick up your freshly looted car and return home in gridlock traffic that exists for no apparent reason.

Okay, I know, it’s really more like ad copy than a slogan - but seriously, why is it that there are so many streets that you can’t park on in NYC at night? I mean, the local stores are mostly closed and the PM commerce is almost entirely based on the NYC nightlife. Why would you keep people like myself driving around for hours looking for parking when I could be spending my hard earned New Jersey dollars in your lovely city? I imagine that much of the traffic that you encounter on a Friday or Saturday night is from yo-yos like me that are coming from New Jersey or Long Island and are looking for parking. Here’s a tip; STOP SPENDING TAX DOLLARS ON ADS PROMOTING NYC NIGHTLIFE AND OPEN UP PARKING, MORONS!!! That felt good.

Now I know many people who don’t smoke and hate being in bars. I, for one, believe that it comes with the territory. During the summer it’s not that bad – that is unless you happen to live above or near one of the many happening nightspots in the city, then you hate everything about that rule, especially at 3am. In the winter, it’s downright cold, crappy and otherwise a huge hassle. Walking in NYC hasn’t gotten any easier either. If a place is busy enough you’ll run into a great big gathering of hipsters standing in your way, and incidentally, creating a giant cloud of smoke for all those happy bar-going non-smokers to walk through. You don’t have that problem in Hoboken, where the already popular bar scene has increased tremendously since the no smoking in NYC rule came in. Weird, huh?

I happen to be a smoker and a driver. I know that if I were mayor of NYC, I’d do a much better job of bringing business in while keeping the crowds happy. For starters, I’d open up so many streets for parking that your head would spin. During the day, you can’t park, at night it’s fair game. And I see no reason why you can’t park in front of a church on a Friday night (or in general now that ya mention it). As for smoking, I say you do what they said when they were lying to get that measure through in the first place. Make a place where you can smoke inside the establishment and make sure it has an air filtration system. Bar and restaurant owners started to build such areas before the law went into effect, only to lose money when the law went into effect and prohibited ALL smoking indoors (even with those systems).

I love New York, but in an annoying relative knida’ way.

Isolation or A Match On A News Paper Machine?

2004-09-24T08:37:00.000-04:00

.

title: Isolation or A Match On A News Paper Machine?
by: The Awesomist
medium: Camera Phone

I've been really busy lately and it's made it hard to update this sweet blog o' mine. Something that I've been meaning to do is to add pictures that I've taken. This is something I've wanted to do here for a while and I figured it was part of the creative intent for starting this blog in the first place. I have a few things that are being written to be published here soon, so keep an eye out.

-The Awesomist

Open Thread

2004-09-03T13:29:00.000-04:00

Hey, Party People! I've decided to post an open thread from time to time to try and get some feedback from ya'll. The concept is simple; you see open thread and you post a comment – any comment – and a good time is had by all. So if you want to say “Hey”, “What’s up?”, “You rule!”, “You suck!”, “I’m only writing this stupid crap because you asked me to.”, “You have terrible grammar.”, “You must be pretty full of yourself to give yourself the name The Awesomist” or whatever else you might have to say, feel free to post. Got a blog? Post it. I’m always up for some blogrolling.

The other purpose for this is that I’d really like to get to know more about you guys (and girls, being the kinda’ PC liberal type I am). I regularly check my site traffic and I’ve noticed that I have a few people who actually come back again and again (or at least just again). So I thought I’d say “Hi.”

With that said, GO NUTS.

-The Awesomist

A Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican

2004-08-30T08:56:00.000-04:00

I just thought that we needed a little reminder considering all the chaos going on a few miles from my place.

Michael Moore Presents:

A Day in the Life of Joe Middle-Class Republican

and

Ted Rall Presents:

Click Here

An Awesome Brownstone

2004-08-27T08:47:00.000-04:00

Here is a picture that I took last weekend of a brownstone that I saw when I was uptown.

.

I think it's fairly awesome since it kinda looks like an alien embassy in the middle of all these traditional/ yuppified uptown brownstones.

A Great Quote

2004-08-18T13:52:00.000-04:00

"If ever there were a bleeding-heart liberal, it was Jesus Christ. I think the carpenter from Galilee was the original Democrat."

-James C. Moore, co-author of Bush's Brain: How Karl Rove Made George Bush Presidential @ Texas Faith Network conference in Austin, TX.

Blog Updates

2004-08-11T08:44:00.000-04:00

Hey ya'll. I updated the blog layout which should be pretty impressive because I know about enough HTML to fill a thimble. If you're having any technical problems with the site (like not being able to see anything or broken links or something) let me know and I'll fix it right away.

I'd also like to announce the launching of a new blog from Team Awesome. It's called
Adventure Boy and it exists to document the exploits of The Awesomist and friends (a.k.a. Team Awesome). It's been set up to accept e-mail, picture and even audio posts from the road so we can update the site from any location and at any time. That's pretty cool. The first "adventure" is being written now and will be posted soon. So check it out @ http://adventureboy.blogspot.com

Until next time.

-The Awesomist

The Awesomist Introduces A New Trend To Blogging

2004-08-04T18:48:00.000-04:00

I've decided to bring an old school hip hop style to blogging by bragging about how "I'm the best blogger in the whole damned world" and "All the other bloggers want to be like me". I won't be rhyming or anything like that; because blogging's not about rhyming - I mean, it could be - but over all it's not. Now since I'm kickin' it old school there will be no beefs or wars or anything like that. No, it's just me, The Awesomist, being the best blogger ever. I’ll speak to ambiguous bloggers about how they “don’t got posting skills like I got posting skills”. I miss that about old school hip hop. These days it's guys bragging about how much money they have or something like that. Before that it was about how gangsta they were. No, whether it's true or not, bragging about ability is where it's at, and I, being The Awesomist, am the awesomest at blogging. Other bloggers must hate me, but they give me respect. I got more posts than a dwarf's got toes. Oh wait... this is my seventh post (if you count the first one). Alright... I got more posts than a six-toed dwarf's got toes, fool.

...or not.

The Tale of the Gnome With Superior Ninja Skills

2004-07-30T11:34:00.000-04:00

            I picked up the most peculiar hitchhiker one night while driving to Atlantic City, New Jersey. He was a small yet muscular gnome. As we drove he began to speak in a quite and creaky voice that resembled an old door closing. He told me this tale:

            Long ago in a small hamlet outside Edinburgh, Scotland there lived a wizard who practiced phonetic alchemy. The wizard would often toil for hours on end trying to add silent consonants to the beginning of words. For years he tried with no luck. If not for the royalties from the successful fusion of “PH” to form the “F” sound he would have starved.
            He awoke one morning, much earlier then usual, and decided to work on trying to add a “J” to the beginning of the word “donkey”. As he walked sleepily toward his laboratory he heard something. He peeked in and saw a sight that he could not believe. Several nomes, busied themselves in his workshop, putting silent “K’s” on the beginning of words. He was astounded by this. Hours passed and he watched until the nomes began to pack up and leave the room through a slightly open window on the far side of the room. The wizard rushed into the room once the last nome left and began to analyze the K-N connection.
            For three days straight he tinkered with the combination. By the third day his lab showed all the signs that a feat of brilliance was about to occur. Complex math problems were scribbled on every available surface. His instruments were cast aside – their user too taken by inspiration to put them away. After all that time he had finally done it. He put all the pieces in place and left the laboratory for some much need sleep. He knew the nomes would be back, but they wouldn’t come while he was there (in true nome fashion) and they were the last piece.
            That night, the nomes returned. They began to work when, all of a sudden, objects in the lab began to move. The nomes huddled together in the center of the room. They were terrified. Sand fell into a bucket, prisms hanging from a beam on the ceiling danced around a candle and liquid traveled from beaker to beaker through long tubes. When the dust settled the gnomes were shocked to find a “G” on the beginning of “Gnome”. That was how the word “gnome” got its “G”.

            At 3 AM we reached Atlantic City and decided to get breakfast at a small restaurant near the beach. We chose a spot near the beach in hopes of avoiding a conflict with the mischievous robots common to the Atlantic City area. We had no such luck.
            Upon leaving the eatery we were surrounded by a gang of five mischievous robots. I, armed with my trusty katana and swollen dragon style of sword fighting (practiced by the samurai of my clan), disposed of the closest mischievous robot. The gnome, utilizing his empty fist technique, quickly felled the leader. The gnome moved with speed and cunning that resembled that of a cheetah. We easily defeated the other three and decided to head to The Taj.
            We checked in to the hotel and proceeded to the poker room. Once there we picked a table and sat down. The gnome and I played with a sense that can only be described as bordering on telepathic. Together we took every pro and tourist for all they had. Winnings in the tens of thousands were amassed before I decided to call it a night. I returned to the room and fell asleep.
            Hours later the gnome returned with two women he had met at the casino bar. He informed me that he lost all of our winnings playing blackjack. Gnomes are abysmal blackjack players as they ignore basic strategy and always, for some reason, have to hit on 19.
            We partied for the next two days. After a drunken night at a strip club and another mischievous robot encounter, the gnome and I decided to go to Hong Kong and take on the Triad. We hoped a plane, passed out and woke up several hours later in Hong Kong.
The battle against the head of the Triad was that of legends. At the end of the skirmish, the crime boss lay beaten and his men begged for mercy. The gnome was now able to take control of Hong Kong’s organized crime.
            After a tearful goodbye, I left Hong Kong and my gnomish friend and Triad boss. I returned home and began a successful career as a rock painter. Memories of my adventures stayed with me through the many years that followed. My most celebrated rock painting depicted my experience with the gnome.
            Years later I ran into the gnome again at the organized crime convention in Atlantic City. We caught up on old times and he introduced me to his son, a tall half-Chinese half-gnome boy named Ray. Together we browsed the latest in ice pick technology and fought some mischievous robots for old time’s sake.

NJ Traffic Is Awful; Simply Awful (Road Rage)

2004-07-29T19:29:00.000-04:00

The traffic in New Jersey is by far the worst in the world. I’ve been to Los Angles and - while the traffic there is bad – it is nothing like traffic in Jersey. New York may have some traffic issues (like; how the FDR can get backed up at 4 am on a Sunday morning?), but you know where those areas are. You can avoid them.

No, New Jersey is a different animal and when it comes to traffic, it’s a slow moving sloth of an animal. I have come to this conclusion after many years of commuting to school, to work, to an internship and to regularly to visit friends in far away parts of “The Garden State”. I’ve been all over the state. I’ve been up and down the Turnpike; up and down the Parkway; fought the utter standstills of route 18 and waited in the same spot for an hour and a half on a side street for no good reason except the fact that there was snow on the ground and the drivers of New Jersey are collectively morons.

Now, I’m sure that some of these people are very good hard working folks. They go to work and to houses of worship. They pay their taxes and love their moms (perhaps not in the way that I scream about when they cut me off or go too slow; but I’m getting ahead of myself). I’m sure that I’ve been stuck in traffic jams with Nobel Prize winners (you know, that Beautiful Mind guy does live in Jersey) and geniuses by the truckload and it still boggles my mind that we can all be collectively retarded when bunched together on a road. We’re all heading in the same direction yet we can’t figure out how to get there. I’ve been in backups that magically end once you get to a certain part of the highway. They just end for no reason whatsoever. No accident; no road damage; no naked chicks; nothing!!! I can sort of understand it if they were, rubbernecking or something, but they aren’t. And with the rubbernecking – how about you gawk at something worth gawking at. A fender bender isn’t worth an hour and a half delay. I mean, no one wants to see anyone get into a bad accident, but if people are slowing down to look at an accident, it ought to be a bad one. Why waste your time?

Even when traffic is not at a standstill, driving in New Jersey still sucks. People become stupid. They go way slower than the limit, they don’t let you in, they stop randomly; I’ve even seen people driving the wrong way down the highway. Whatever happened to signaling anyway, because no one does that anymore (Unless, of course, they almost hit you while trying to change lanes. They magically remember how to do it after that). …And why, oh why can’t we get at least one traffic cop to direct four lanes of traffic into one lane when there’s road work on a highway? It’s as if merging is a concept of physics that is so complex that none but Einstein himself can fathom it. You go, you go, you go… It’s not that hard!!!

I really hate “traffic cholesterol”. What’s that you ask? “Traffic cholesterol” is the build up of ridiculously slow drivers in every lane of an otherwise clear highway. We’ve all been there haven’t we? When you’re driving along and “traffic cholesterol” is driving in front of you. You can see the traffic backing up behind you look in front of the “traffic cholesterol” and there’s nothing and no one at all in front of them, BECAUSE THEY ALL DROVE AWAY!!! I call this “traffic cholesterol” because I think it’s going to give me a stroke one day. And in New Jersey we don’t just have “traffic cholesterol”; we have multi lane “traffic cholesterol”. Does the frustration ever stop? No, it doesn't!!!

Have you ever been to Bizarro Land? I have. It exists on New Jersey highways. It’s a strange land where people go fast in the slow lanes and slow in the fast lanes. Where people almost crash into you and then give you dirty looks. It’s a land where cops don’t obey traffic laws and write you tickets for doing the same thing? I live in this magical world of wonder and I love it, but the commute sucks.

A Public Service Announcement

2004-07-29T10:51:00.000-04:00

MoveOn PAC has put together a terrific "Kerry Kit". It contains a DVD featuring never-before-seen footage of John Kerry from the forthcoming documentary Going Upriver: The Long War of John Kerry by acclaimed director George Butler. It also contains other interesting background and materials about Kerry. If you hurry you can get one for free!
You can see a clip from the film and order a kit FREE (for a limited time) at:
http://www.kerrykit.com
Check it out!

***Also I will be posting some literary works in the near future. I've had a few ideas that I'm working on flushing out. They should be awesome.

At Last, Posting Again - On A New Blog

2004-07-27T12:18:00.000-04:00

Hey y'all. I haven't written a blog entry in a while due to the summer rush at work. I'm almost through it so I figured that I'd drop in and write a quick entry to assure anyone who checks this thing that I am still alive. I thought I'd take the blog to a different service too. It seems a bit friendlier to customization, which is good.

How awesome was Clinton last night? I love that guy (not in a gay way, but bordering on it... just kidding... no I'm not... yes I am). I can honestly say that if we had to switch to a dictatorship and he was the dictator I'd be alright with it. ***A Note For People Without A Sense Of Humor - I'm kidding!

Seriously, that speech was great. Hearing Clinton address a crowd is one of the coolest things one can witness in politics. I wish I could have made it to one of his book signings in NYC. I would have had him sign my copy as Bill "Best President Ever" Clinton. I often think that it's odd to be that big a fan of a president, but I mean, he's Clinton. He's like the Frank Sinatra of politics.

In other political news, Kerry's wife tells a reporter to "Shove it." and she's a "loose cannon"... Are you serious? I mean, she really should have shown some class and brought that reporter onto the Senate floor and told him to go F--- himself. Give me a break. I love when they make non-stories headline news. No, actually I hate it.

Read Steve Martin books. They're funny.

Tsunami Relief Organizations

2004-07-26T08:52:00.000-04:00

Awesomist Recommended Organizations

-*International Federation of Red Cross and Red Crescent Societies

-*Doctors Without Borders

-Salvation Army

-UNICEF

-U.N. World Food Programme

* = Highly
Recommended

Other Relief Organizations

-AmeriCares

-Action Against Hunger

-ADRA International

-American Jewish Joint Distribution Committee, Inc.

-American Red Cross(not recommended since they collected money for 9-11 and used it for other projects)

-Association for India's Development

-CARE

-Catholic Relief Services

-Christian Children's Fund

-Church World Service

-Direct Relief International

-International Medical Corps

-International Rescue Committee

-Islamic Relief Worldwide

-Lutheran World Relief

-MAP International

-Mercy Corps

-Network for Good

-Operation Blessing

-Operation USA

-Oxfam America

-Plan USA

-Project Concern International

-Save the Children USA

-World Concern

-World Vision